Too Early to Tell?

I underwent this epiphany and decided to make a change. But how long is it going to take to make a difference?  Short of sitting and staring at the calendar and tracking my every move (I have depression and fibro, not OCD!), I am not sure how to tell.

Granted it has only been 3 weeks since I started psychotherapy.  I really enjoy the shrink I've found, and considering my history with psychologists and psychiatrists, I'm glad I made it an option for myself.

Also, I am going for my third session of accupuncture tomorrow. I think I should see some results in the pain department.  The doc at the pain clinic mentioned that if I don't see an improvement, I'll try reflexology either instead or alongside accupuncture...

And then there's the thing I am most wary of: homeopathic plant supplements. I picked them up today from the local homeopathic pharmacy.  I have never really been a "health nut;" quite the opposite actually.  Now that I'm nearing 24 I am more conscious of what I am putting into my body and trying to slim down. But that's a side note...

How they heck do I actually know if white chestnut or cherry extract is actually helping my pain or my impatience?? Well I guess we know it hasn't been effecting my impatience yet! Ha.

Meh. I suppose it can't hurt...

Why am I blogging? Cuz I'm crazy...

Hello Blog World!

Let me start out as to why I'm here gracing your screen with my words. 

I suffer from what is broadly called “depression.” Depression is usually associated with being sad, not leaving bed, and the like. Picture the sad Zoloft ball under the rain cloud getting poured on, just all around bummed out.

I don’t just sit around and mope though – lucky me! When I am in the midst of my gloominess I am on edge, irritable, and angry. I lash out at the ones I love, whether it is my boyfriend, parents, or friends. I also suffer from mood swings, or rather, I should say my boyfriend is the one that suffers from them...and when I'm PMSing? Fugghedaboutit!

I have been seeing various kinds of shrinks on and off since I was a pre-teen, around 9. Not that I made it easy, I was a very hormonal pre-teen who made life for my mom quite hellish (sorry Ma!), and I would fight every time I had to go to an appointment or try a new medicine.

No one wants "happy pills." And when you feel uncomfortable in your pimply, adolescent, awkward, brace-faced 12 year-old self, it's not exactly reassuring to be told you need to see someone so you can get "help." It was quite a long time til I realized I do feel better once I am on my medication, but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore.


My whole world ends when there are dirty dishes in the sink for more than 2 days because of my fear of roaches, ants, and any kind of flying or creepy crawly insect.  And if there are bugs, I start crying and yelling until my boyfriend kills it. Then I start yelling at him, because it's of course his fault there are bugs invading my space! I cannot live in this filth! Why doesn't he help me clean more?! I hate him! 


Ok, so maybe it's not a disorder to be dramatic...but I don't like the person I become over stupid things that are easily solved or just not big deals! 


Like, ok, not doing the dishes is gross - especially when it's been a few days and I cook every evening.  And I have a phobia of roaches from a traumatic apartment experience a few years ago.  But when I essentially throw a tantrum, I just feel exasperated and like I ruined any chance of trying to convince him that he should do dishes more often.  And that's just one scenario...

I also get overwhelmed with simple tasks and errands. For example, I can’t just clean the house. I think about all the things that I need to do for the house to be clean! I have to clean the litter, fold clothes, wipe down counters, put away clean dishes,  sweep, mop, and on and on...to the point where instead of being productive, I wind up on the couch, overwhelmed by the tasks that I should be spearheading. 

In addition to my above described...'ness, somewhat recently I have developed all over body pain; aches in my joints, bones, and neck. I have had shoulder/back pain for years, and I thought that pain had just progressed to where now my knees, back, body, neck, and arms all hurt at various times.

Turns out its fibromyalgia - more on that in a separate post. So that hasn’t exactly helped my depression. I do take an SSRI for my depression, but I still feel like I’m a mess, emotionally and now physically.  I guess you can gather that from the behavior I described! I don't feel like a 23 year old woman, living on the other side of the World from her family, independent, self sufficient, in a beautiful apartment with my handsome loving boyfriend and 2 sweet cats.

I feel like a stubborn little girl who can't control her emotions.  And it's just exasperated by my body pain.

But I’ve had enough! I had an epiphany about 3 weeks ago where, after a week of fighting with my boyfriend, missing classes, and not accomplishing anything with my time, I decided to make a change, or several changes. My loving boyfriend doesn’t deserve this, our future children don’t deserve this, and most of all: I don’t deserve this!

I started seeing a new psychologist two weeks ago, started acupuncture for my pain, and saw a nutritionist to help with my mood and pain.  I think I wrote puh-lenty for now, so I'll explain about these three things in the next post.

Wish me luck on my journey to a better me!

PS The name is in reference to what silly ignorant men would call anxiety, PMS, and any irritability in women. Because we have a "uterus," we are unstable. Sigh. Just my sense of humor!